Oohhhhhhhohoho
Oct. 14th, 2014 07:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chocolatepotI am so depressed tonight
My patterning at Sturbridge went well - two spencers, one early and one mid, an evening dress that I really liked but may be some sort of Victorian reproduction (a really well-done and attractive one, but it is Not Quite Right), and another bib-front. It's not quite the same as the other one I did (which was exactly the same as Janet Arnold's if you remember), but it also has English provenance. Is there any proof of American women wearing them? Or am I just really unlucky in trying to find an American one around here?
But while I was there I got an email from OCHS, telling me that they don't want me to come in for a second interview. It's frustrating, I tell myself all the time that the problem is my lack of experience, but this was a position for someone with very little experience, who was expected to move on once they'd fully learned the job. So what am I supposed to blame it on this time? Nothing but my obvious affinity for/obsession with fashion and dress (and decorative arts). And it really hurts, because I'm doing it to myself and I can't stop.
If I want to get a job in one of these local historical societies, I need to volunteer to do all kinds of things, like tours and fundraisers and other non-collections stuff. I should probably go back to school and get a more general MA or certificate. (Certificates are generally considered not very good, but in conjunction with a more specific MA ... ?) My blog is pretty well-written but I would need to either diversify it or start a second dealing with more aspects of history/material culture. I don't think it's going to happen minus a new degree unless I volunteer for like five years straight somewhere around here, but I can't go five more years working ten hours a week and being totally dependent on my mother.
If I want to get a job in my field, I need to firstly go back in time and do my internship at the Met or Augusta Auctions or something, which is obviously impossible. Apart from that, I'm pretty well set, but I could be writing more for journals - although I would think that a book contract would help, but it clearly doesn't at all. The lack of positions is the biggest problem.
But I can't make up my mind. From my perspective (which could be totally wrong, but it's all based on negatives) these two branches are mutually exclusive, and I have to choose one to concentrate on, but I can't. Fashion seems like an idiotic choice my lack of a prestigious internship/contract job seems like an insurmountable obstacle, plus the lack of jobs. The historical society choice is okay by me, but it's idea of the prep work that makes me feel absolutely horrible - basically giving up on what I really love, abandoning even the unpaid/hobbyish way I do it now, not doing any more books because they look too specialized. Taking out another student loan (unless I got into the University of Delaware's program) or accepting that I'll have to continue on like this until I'm in my thirties.
I just feel so stupid all the time, like I've wasted about a decade. And like there must be something wrong with me, because even discounting the jobs I apply for that I know I'm not qualified for, there have been quite a few recently that I'd have been perfect for but was pulled out of the running early or not even given a shot. Why? How am I supposed to believe that at some point I'm going to manage to get through? Why should I? Unless I get a permanent job, nothing's going to change, and I'm not going to get a permanent job unless I ... get another permanent job first.
On the bright side, I'm so full of existential anxiety and fears that I've totally fucked my own career over that I can't be bothered to worry about how undesirable and unattractive I am. The existential anxiety actually makes me wonder sometimes if it might not be better not to have kids, since I'm not sure I'd want to bring someone into the world to have the same pit-of-your-stomach terror.
My patterning at Sturbridge went well - two spencers, one early and one mid, an evening dress that I really liked but may be some sort of Victorian reproduction (a really well-done and attractive one, but it is Not Quite Right), and another bib-front. It's not quite the same as the other one I did (which was exactly the same as Janet Arnold's if you remember), but it also has English provenance. Is there any proof of American women wearing them? Or am I just really unlucky in trying to find an American one around here?
But while I was there I got an email from OCHS, telling me that they don't want me to come in for a second interview. It's frustrating, I tell myself all the time that the problem is my lack of experience, but this was a position for someone with very little experience, who was expected to move on once they'd fully learned the job. So what am I supposed to blame it on this time? Nothing but my obvious affinity for/obsession with fashion and dress (and decorative arts). And it really hurts, because I'm doing it to myself and I can't stop.
If I want to get a job in one of these local historical societies, I need to volunteer to do all kinds of things, like tours and fundraisers and other non-collections stuff. I should probably go back to school and get a more general MA or certificate. (Certificates are generally considered not very good, but in conjunction with a more specific MA ... ?) My blog is pretty well-written but I would need to either diversify it or start a second dealing with more aspects of history/material culture. I don't think it's going to happen minus a new degree unless I volunteer for like five years straight somewhere around here, but I can't go five more years working ten hours a week and being totally dependent on my mother.
If I want to get a job in my field, I need to firstly go back in time and do my internship at the Met or Augusta Auctions or something, which is obviously impossible. Apart from that, I'm pretty well set, but I could be writing more for journals - although I would think that a book contract would help, but it clearly doesn't at all. The lack of positions is the biggest problem.
But I can't make up my mind. From my perspective (which could be totally wrong, but it's all based on negatives) these two branches are mutually exclusive, and I have to choose one to concentrate on, but I can't. Fashion seems like an idiotic choice my lack of a prestigious internship/contract job seems like an insurmountable obstacle, plus the lack of jobs. The historical society choice is okay by me, but it's idea of the prep work that makes me feel absolutely horrible - basically giving up on what I really love, abandoning even the unpaid/hobbyish way I do it now, not doing any more books because they look too specialized. Taking out another student loan (unless I got into the University of Delaware's program) or accepting that I'll have to continue on like this until I'm in my thirties.
I just feel so stupid all the time, like I've wasted about a decade. And like there must be something wrong with me, because even discounting the jobs I apply for that I know I'm not qualified for, there have been quite a few recently that I'd have been perfect for but was pulled out of the running early or not even given a shot. Why? How am I supposed to believe that at some point I'm going to manage to get through? Why should I? Unless I get a permanent job, nothing's going to change, and I'm not going to get a permanent job unless I ... get another permanent job first.
On the bright side, I'm so full of existential anxiety and fears that I've totally fucked my own career over that I can't be bothered to worry about how undesirable and unattractive I am. The existential anxiety actually makes me wonder sometimes if it might not be better not to have kids, since I'm not sure I'd want to bring someone into the world to have the same pit-of-your-stomach terror.
