the horrors
Mar. 26th, 2023 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chocolatepotI keep being like "I need to get back in the habit of posting on DW outside of mental health emergencies" and yet HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN, with Big Drama.
Okay so background is that we (me (35), dad, Owen (30), Owen's gf (24), stepsister (19), and stepmother) went to San Francisco for my cousin's wedding. As is our usual, my dad and stepmother got us all an Airbnb and we packed in without having to pay for it; dad, stepmom, and I are staying until Wednesday but the rest went home last night. Extra bit of context, Owen got laid off in that big wave of tech layoffs, just after he and gf moved into a new apartment together. Other background is that my dad was estranged from his father for a good thirty years or more, and semi-estranged from his sister.
The wedding was fine (very loud and I didn't know anyone but my dad danced with me to Brown Eyed Girl and that was so nice because I don't have the confidence to dance on my own when everyone's partnered and I love dancing!! I have only non-historical danced twice in my life, this and at my prom, because there is never anyone for me to dance with at these things). The next day my cousin also had a kind of second, casual reception at a bar. Owen's gf needed to meet her own cousin in the morning for brunch and there was a little friction about making sure they did that early enough to come to the reception, but it went off.
At the reception, our stepsister felt overstimulated and went outside for a walk, leaving me at a table with Owen and his gf. Owen started talking about being up in Albany to look after the family pets when dad and stepmother were out of town for a week, and he spoke slightingly about our mom wanting him to come visit her during that week. I said, "yeah, you could have." There was a bit more conversation about how he can't go see her generally because it's harder to get to her town than Albany from the city and I pointed out that he could take the train to Poughkeepsie and rent a car and drive over, he's old enough now. He stared at me balefully and then just walked away and his gf followed. It really hurt, but at the same time I'm used to him being a consequence-free asshole to me under the excuse of "she hurt my feelings", so I kind of sucked it up. They went out for their own walk and I excused myself for a walk as well, which was FABULOUS, I never used to be allowed to just leave events because they sucked. I had a great time wandering around Russian Hill, bought some candies and tea and Ellen Kushner's Swordspoint.
Owen did not talk to me the rest of the night, and even the next morning when he came out for breakfast he was performatively standing with his back to me all the time. By coming out of their room late and moving slow, he and his gf made me slightly late to meet an OFMD discord friend, which I was a little terse about but mostly held it in because I feel like I always get the blame in these situations for not being chill and accommodating. I met her, we had a great time, and then I walked over to the wharf for lunch. The table was extremely tense and I just assumed everyone was pissed at me for having to meet them there or something. (I have issues.) After lunch we got the ferry to Alcatraz, and Owen and his gf were constantly aloof from us on the boat, on the island, and then on the boat back. (He had also been weird about the trip a day or so before when it was fully scheduled, booked, and made clear to us far in advance.) When we got back to the apartment, they went to their room and shut the door and just stayed in there for several hours. At one point the gf came out to use the bathroom and dad was like, hey, we're just going to have dinner in, what would you like? and she smiled and said they'd get food at the airport.
Then a bit later, they come out of the room all packed and Owen announces that they're leaving for the airport an hour early (implicit: sans stepsister). He stands there seething, I don't say anything because what the fuck am I supposed to say? Dad doesn't say anything either because what the fuck is he supposed to say? And my stepmom is annoyed about the aloofness and the disrespect to her schedule and her daughter, and tells him he's being a spoiled brat. He announces that he never wants to hear from any of us ever again, she snaps back, he says "fuck you" and she says "fuck you" as he's going down the stairs and he calls back "bitch!"
So I mean, you can guess how we spent the rest of our evening, triaging what went down. Stepsis went into a panic attack (she later told her mom that she'd seen him come out of his room with his stuff and asked where he was going, and he snapped at her, "to the fucking airport") and we eventually took her to the airport; she said they chased her down at one point - not really chased, he kept yelling to her until she turned around - and when she politely said she wasn't ready to talk to him yet, he told her not to say anything unkind or anything she'd regret or something unhinged and unreflective like that. After a while he started texting my dad about how all he'd needed all day was a hug and dad hadn't knocked on his door to give him one, and he's going to come upstate to get some thing and see the dog one last time because Link is his dog (he's not) and so on, and stepmom and I had to yell at him to stop him from responding with something facetious or really at all.
So. Yeah.
On one level I was devastated, because this is my baby brother we're talking about and I love him. On the other, he's been treating me like this for years, and I've tended to internalize it and get upset about how I can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong so I can stop doing it. I've been angsting over the fact that I love him and he doesn't seem to love me or even like me for. years. We go on these family vacations and he's always buddying up with either our stepsister (teasing her and taking selfies, making me feel like I'm too ugly or weird to be worth bothering with in a very high school dynamic, now that I think about it) or our dad. So there's a part of me that's like, okay, now it's all on the table and I don't need to keep assuming everyone else hates me, he is just irrational. In general, my dad's approach has been to not rock the boat, so we never talk about these things and when I have tried in the past, I've been encouraged not to through jokes or sternness.
Ummmmmmmm outside of all this, SF is pretty good. The Alcatraz audio tour is amazing, I nearly cried - a lot of it is clipped from the actual oral histories from prisoners and guards. I really did enjoy walking around Russian Hill, the place I bought the tea was a vintage et al shop called Molte Cose and the ladies there were really into my outfit. It's been cool but sunny the whole time we've been here, although it's supposed to get rainy tomorrow.
Okay so background is that we (me (35), dad, Owen (30), Owen's gf (24), stepsister (19), and stepmother) went to San Francisco for my cousin's wedding. As is our usual, my dad and stepmother got us all an Airbnb and we packed in without having to pay for it; dad, stepmom, and I are staying until Wednesday but the rest went home last night. Extra bit of context, Owen got laid off in that big wave of tech layoffs, just after he and gf moved into a new apartment together. Other background is that my dad was estranged from his father for a good thirty years or more, and semi-estranged from his sister.
The wedding was fine (very loud and I didn't know anyone but my dad danced with me to Brown Eyed Girl and that was so nice because I don't have the confidence to dance on my own when everyone's partnered and I love dancing!! I have only non-historical danced twice in my life, this and at my prom, because there is never anyone for me to dance with at these things). The next day my cousin also had a kind of second, casual reception at a bar. Owen's gf needed to meet her own cousin in the morning for brunch and there was a little friction about making sure they did that early enough to come to the reception, but it went off.
At the reception, our stepsister felt overstimulated and went outside for a walk, leaving me at a table with Owen and his gf. Owen started talking about being up in Albany to look after the family pets when dad and stepmother were out of town for a week, and he spoke slightingly about our mom wanting him to come visit her during that week. I said, "yeah, you could have." There was a bit more conversation about how he can't go see her generally because it's harder to get to her town than Albany from the city and I pointed out that he could take the train to Poughkeepsie and rent a car and drive over, he's old enough now. He stared at me balefully and then just walked away and his gf followed. It really hurt, but at the same time I'm used to him being a consequence-free asshole to me under the excuse of "she hurt my feelings", so I kind of sucked it up. They went out for their own walk and I excused myself for a walk as well, which was FABULOUS, I never used to be allowed to just leave events because they sucked. I had a great time wandering around Russian Hill, bought some candies and tea and Ellen Kushner's Swordspoint.
Owen did not talk to me the rest of the night, and even the next morning when he came out for breakfast he was performatively standing with his back to me all the time. By coming out of their room late and moving slow, he and his gf made me slightly late to meet an OFMD discord friend, which I was a little terse about but mostly held it in because I feel like I always get the blame in these situations for not being chill and accommodating. I met her, we had a great time, and then I walked over to the wharf for lunch. The table was extremely tense and I just assumed everyone was pissed at me for having to meet them there or something. (I have issues.) After lunch we got the ferry to Alcatraz, and Owen and his gf were constantly aloof from us on the boat, on the island, and then on the boat back. (He had also been weird about the trip a day or so before when it was fully scheduled, booked, and made clear to us far in advance.) When we got back to the apartment, they went to their room and shut the door and just stayed in there for several hours. At one point the gf came out to use the bathroom and dad was like, hey, we're just going to have dinner in, what would you like? and she smiled and said they'd get food at the airport.
Then a bit later, they come out of the room all packed and Owen announces that they're leaving for the airport an hour early (implicit: sans stepsister). He stands there seething, I don't say anything because what the fuck am I supposed to say? Dad doesn't say anything either because what the fuck is he supposed to say? And my stepmom is annoyed about the aloofness and the disrespect to her schedule and her daughter, and tells him he's being a spoiled brat. He announces that he never wants to hear from any of us ever again, she snaps back, he says "fuck you" and she says "fuck you" as he's going down the stairs and he calls back "bitch!"
So I mean, you can guess how we spent the rest of our evening, triaging what went down. Stepsis went into a panic attack (she later told her mom that she'd seen him come out of his room with his stuff and asked where he was going, and he snapped at her, "to the fucking airport") and we eventually took her to the airport; she said they chased her down at one point - not really chased, he kept yelling to her until she turned around - and when she politely said she wasn't ready to talk to him yet, he told her not to say anything unkind or anything she'd regret or something unhinged and unreflective like that. After a while he started texting my dad about how all he'd needed all day was a hug and dad hadn't knocked on his door to give him one, and he's going to come upstate to get some thing and see the dog one last time because Link is his dog (he's not) and so on, and stepmom and I had to yell at him to stop him from responding with something facetious or really at all.
So. Yeah.
On one level I was devastated, because this is my baby brother we're talking about and I love him. On the other, he's been treating me like this for years, and I've tended to internalize it and get upset about how I can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong so I can stop doing it. I've been angsting over the fact that I love him and he doesn't seem to love me or even like me for. years. We go on these family vacations and he's always buddying up with either our stepsister (teasing her and taking selfies, making me feel like I'm too ugly or weird to be worth bothering with in a very high school dynamic, now that I think about it) or our dad. So there's a part of me that's like, okay, now it's all on the table and I don't need to keep assuming everyone else hates me, he is just irrational. In general, my dad's approach has been to not rock the boat, so we never talk about these things and when I have tried in the past, I've been encouraged not to through jokes or sternness.
Ummmmmmmm outside of all this, SF is pretty good. The Alcatraz audio tour is amazing, I nearly cried - a lot of it is clipped from the actual oral histories from prisoners and guards. I really did enjoy walking around Russian Hill, the place I bought the tea was a vintage et al shop called Molte Cose and the ladies there were really into my outfit. It's been cool but sunny the whole time we've been here, although it's supposed to get rainy tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 05:48 pm (UTC)Be free of him. Seriously. No one has an obligation to a family member who behaves like that except through guilt.
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Date: 2023-04-02 09:27 pm (UTC)Yep. It's such a bizarre thing to have as a last straw that it has me worried about some sort of breakdown, but like ... what can you do.
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Date: 2023-04-03 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-27 05:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-02 09:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-28 02:39 am (UTC)Glad San Fran itself has been nice, though?
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Date: 2023-04-02 08:57 pm (UTC)Yeah, the city was pretty great! I did a good job having a decent time around the drama.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-28 04:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-02 08:53 pm (UTC)